Hey Daddy, im sorry im finding it hard to communicate with you. There are so many things that i would like to tell you, there are so many things i want to ask you advice for. I can say im afraid because before i get to say anything i have to say i get blown into pieces. Everyone i speak to regarding my issues, they say the best person to speak to is you. But they dont understand, i cant. I dont want to sign my own deathwish, i know how its going to end. Whats the point ?
Why cant you listen to what i have to say for once ? Can you not wait til i finsh then plough me over ? Its not that i dont like home, its not that i hate you, but the things you do makes me feel as if im not your son. I hear complaints and jokes of your ex and current staff and i feel the exactly the same way they do. When anyone has been through your hurricane, they would feel useless and find out that all that has been done is of no worth to you because we are all just not good enough, we will never be good enough for you because we are not you.
It just hurts too much, to have to go through one of your episodes with you. What have i done so wrong for you to hate me this much. I know to you i am useless, how old am i this year and i am still stuck in school. Dad how am i ever going to tell you that im no studying material. I cant, i have lost the drive, i have lost the drive for many things and even life itself. Please dont blame all this on my friends. Thats what you always do, you degrade me so far below anything that is worth anything and you start blaming my friends. Did you know my friends have been my pillar of support for the longest time. Without them i would have been long gone. They are the only people i can truly trust and to the extent of trusting my life with because without them i already am the walking dead. When i need someone to talk to, i cant talk to you because you will only makes things worst, what more it would end with a bashing. Dad im tired, i need help. I need someone who i can look up to and who i can talk to and trust. I cant trust mom, keeping a secret with her is like keeping a secret with the paparazi's. I cant trust koko because everyday i have to look over my shoulders not knowing when i will get backstabbed. Che is having too much of her own troubles, she cant even take care of herself what more me. Our family is no more a family, there is no one i can turn to, there is no one i can trust. Just trying to please you alone is taking every breath i have. I have nothing left to myself, i have no dignity and im losing my pride.
In your eyes, i have done nothing right. I'm always the useless son of a gun. I never finish what i start. You know what ? Im starting to believe that i am that useless son of a gun. I cannot, i cannot be the son you want me to be. Im lost and all alone. My friends have problems of their own that they need to face and they cannot be there for me forever. What happens when they're gone ? I am looking for a girl that i can trust, i have not found one yet. Things dont always happen the way i want them to, like everyone else i have expectations but in reality it doesnt happen that way. There's this girl i like, but it doesnt seem too bright from where im looking at it. Can i talk to you about this ? NO, definitely not at least without you talking at me about my studies. You are a great dad, you have given me many things other father's cannot. Im am not being ungrateful, i just wish. Like i said i cant always have what i want it doesnt happen that way, just like the girl and you, all i can do is hope.
Dear dad, im afraid i have to tell you this. As soon as i finish school and have a steady income, i will move out. Im afraid its better for our relationship. Wonder why everyone who leaves doesnt want to come back ? Even the idea of living within the same housing area is such a bad idea.
Is there really nothing that i have done you proud ?
I have been prancing on the edge for far too long dad. I am aimless, prideless, directionless and most of all alone. You are like the last person in this world who i think can help me. Please help me... There is no one, no one at all. I too need a shoulder to cry on dad. I too need someone to let off steam at, i cannot handle you letting off all your steam on me. But if that makes you feel better, by all means please do it. At least im helping someone whether a punching bag or a statue you yell at. i would like to believe that i have grown emotionless, or at least thats what i portray. Deep down inside i still feel the pain, it hurts so much i dont know whether i want to cry or break a leg.
You will never understand what im talking about. You and mom are know it all's. Whatever i know, do, say or think is wrong. I will never be right in your eyes. I will never be who you want me to be. Im tired daddy, ive always wanted to tell you that i love you. But i dont know how, i never have the opportunity to. Everytime i look at you i see that disappointed look in your face i have no means to face you. I CANT STUDY ! can you hear me ? im screaming so loud inside can you hear me? Im drowning in my own tears would you please save me ? DAddy please where are you ? I only have my friends, they are dropping like flies too, When all of them bites the dust so will i. I dont think she will ever be there for me. I think she is worth it, i will bear all consequences. I wont bother talking to you, you will never help me, you will never see things from any other pov other than yours. Im stuck dad, im drowning so fast i dont think i can pick myself up. If you're not going to help me, please dont step on my head and push me any farther in.
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